I remember a time when I didn’t regard myself or others as beautiful or ugly, I was simply Busi
and they were simply people. Those were the perks of childhood, looking at the world through
the untainted glasses of innocence and purity. Unfortunately growth took over and I was introduced
to the world’s concept of physical beauty, which in turn led to the discovery of my “ugly”.

Ugly Duckling

Throughout most of my years in primary school, I felt like an ugly duckling amongst my peers. I was
the chubby girl with short hair and a confused figure, add to that my bland personality and lack of
self confidence.
My insecurity was worsened by my dad’s adamancy to keep my hair short, every other week he would
shave my hair in such a way that left me looking more like his son than his daughter. I held back
my tears every time I underwent the temporary sex change. He told me that it was the school’s orders,
which was quite an insult to my developing intelligence because most of the other girls at school
had long hair. Somehow I bought it. This lie was coupled with false promises that I could start
growing my hair in the following year. Somehow I bought that too. It was only much later on that I
was finally released from the claws of the hair blade. I suspect that this was all part of an evil
plan to keep boys away from me. It worked.
Unfortunately, just like the rest of my body, my growing hair was also figuring itself out. I went
from being teased about my boyish haircuts to being teased about my uncontrollable fro. I would
desperately try to make my bushy hair lie back or tie a pony tail, my failure to achieve the desired
results only inspired more jokes about me. It became a norm for me to spend a significant amount of
time in front of the mirror trying to make myself look somewhat attractive in the eyes of my peers.
I genuinely believed that if I was a little more physically attractive, my life would be perfect.


Almost Pretty

In the last two years of primary school, my appearance underwent a natural transformation. My hair
was now long enough to be combed back and held in a proper pony tail, I was a little less chubby
and my body was finally taking up a shape that was acceptable to the community of young teenagers
whose opinions defined my existence. I was now sort of attractive, my confidence was still incredibly
low, but manageable. The most notable change that came from this slight transformation was the
attention I was finally getting from the boys. The problem with that however, is that nobody told me
that I wouldn’t necessarily get attention from the guy that I was interested in, and that any other
male attention would just be annoying. Plot twist.
High school was more accepting of my looks, which was most likely because I had outgrown some of my
awkward and unattractive features by then. I didn’t feel like the ugly duckling at this stage of my
life, I just felt unimportant. That was ok; “rather feel like a loser than look like one right?” said
my teenage mentality.
About three years into high school I was much thinner, my hair was still awesome and my body had
finally settled on a good shape. It felt like I was finally achieving society’s standards of beauty,
and I was quite chuffed about that. At this point I was getting much more attention from the opposite
sex. It was a tad bit awkward because even though they found me attractive, I didn’t necessarily
believe in the beauty they claimed I had. Despite this, I appreciated the male attention, it made me
feel normal. I was finally able to tell one of those “So there’s this guy…” stories.
A couple of years later I was in University, I always say my life began then because that is when I
started coming out of my shell. In the typical school environment you are subjected to the same people
and system every day, whereas varsity is more of a diverse world. This diversity allowed me to explore
myself and the rest of society, it also exposed me to a variety of looks, and most importantly, other
definitions of beauty.

Whose Beauty Is It Anyway?

During my ugly duckling period, I tried to adjust my appearance to a socially constructed system that
had no room for my views and feelings, and I suppose that’s where the feeling of being ugly really
stemmed from. When I began to earn my pretty girl stripes, it was because my physical appearance was
now partially meeting the requirements of the system, and even then my feelings and views were not part
of the system’s construct. The idea of physical beauty that I was fed didn’t regard me, but society
suggested I regard it.
After receiving the Best Breakthrough Performance Award for her role in 12 Years A Slave at Essence
Magazine’s Black Women in Hollywood Luncheon, Lupita Nyong’o said this in her acceptance speech: “I
realised that beauty was not a thing that I could acquire or consume, it was something that I just
had to be. And what my mother meant when she said you can’t eat beauty was that you can’t rely on how
you look to sustain you, what does sustain you is compassion for yourself and for those around you.
That kind of beauty enflames the heart and enchants the soul.”
The socially constructed beauty that we have all come to know has never been ours to pursue. It is beauty
residing beneath the physical appearance that is truly ours and that is the beauty that should manifest
itself into the physical. Popular beauty does not serve us, it is designed to satisfy ideals that are
foreign to our own. Your natural beauty is nothing like the one promoted by the world, but it’s yours
and that’s enough, what an honor in fact.
Have you ever paid attention to the dazzling nature of a flower? It doesn’t need to do anything
extraordinary to be beautiful, it is beautiful simply because it is. It cannot be anything else other
than what it was created to be, nor does it aim to be, it can only ever be the most beautiful version
of itself.
Be YOUR beautiful.

“Insecurity is ugly,not you”





*Images externally sourced*

Published: 2015-08-03 - 18:49:22