I’ve chosen to be beautiful. I stopped waiting for beautiful to arrive and I stopped trying to achieve it. I stood still and chose it; declaring that I can be it right now and right here. Right there and then. And we’ve been together since.
I stopped saying that I would be it later, tomorrow or one day. When I opened more of my eyes, I saw beautiful sitting around me, available for me to have it.
Beautiful waited for me. It was lingering around since birth, trusting me to eventually choose it among the imperfections and flaws that I perceived and attached to. So much faith it had that it waited for me, confident that “One day, she’ll see that I am with her and that she can be one with me.”
Now I am this beautiful that found me worthy of its patience.
When I received beautiful, I discovered many other things that I could have. I could have the things I was afraid of; the things that embarrassed me and the things I was ashamed of. In beautiful I removed the dust off my thick book of life stories and held it. All of the pages that my agony tried to tear out were still in tact, daring me to read them with the eye of beautiful.
“There are some shitty things here; what’s so beautiful about all of this?” I asked.
The response flowed in to say: “What’s beautiful is that you have lived and you continue to live. Realise the power of owning and accepting your whole life.”
Why run away from what I have lived? I am these pages. It’s been a prison to see some of these pages as only triggers – they should indeed be turning back and forth in me because I have lived them. These pages can’t be erased, and beautiful can’t be taken away when you have chosen to be it.
In beautiful I found permission to have all of me. The pain? That’s mine. I lived that. I know it. And I also know the other side of it. My traumas? These scars? They are mine. I receive them because I lived this. They are all as precious as my joys.
In beautiful I can keep everything that I have ever breathed in and out. In beautiful, none of me has to hide and my life’s book is free to be thick and heavy. I stopped seeking apologies for this.
In beautiful I see how I was shaped into what I am today. I cannot fully love myself when I turn away the events that wrote in the being that I breathe as today. Here inside beautiful I take everything. The illness and the medicine. The punches and hugs. The cries and the smiles. Beautiful says that I am doing it all; reminds me that I am not cheating my living and assures me that God only leads me deeper and deeper into the ocean of his soul – the clear and muddy parts that inspire different waves.
I look at all of these pages and see how I became this large; this heavy and light; these deaths and resurrections. I’ve been magical enough to fade in and out of my many lives; worthy of traveling through all of God’s roads and swimming around her entire womb. Beautiful.
I look at these pages and see that I have been doing one of my favourite things with life – dancing. I have been singing different songs and listening to the many tunes of Creation’s music.
Do you like every song you’ve ever heard? But it is still music.
I stand here raised by my best and worst chapters, and the balanced tempos in between. I take it all. This is my beautiful. And because this was always God’s will with me, this beautiful is also my constant Amen.
Take all of you. You are yours to have. This is yours to own and remember to detach from too. Who are you leaving it outside for? Keep it while rising above it because it still doesn’t define you -nothing can. You are an ever changing shape. Always dancing. Some dances are uncomfortable, but you are dancing.
Dance better if you wish to; because beautiful is a choice.
Subscribe to our newsletter to receive early and direct notifications when our latest posts go up.
For details on our offerings and reaching out to us, see the CONTACT PAGE.