Running. That’s all I have been doing these last couple of months. The Winter season demanded me to sprint and I needed that from myself too.
I had to run – but it was towards myself.
The ongoing journey into more of who and what I am is usually a stroll, not because it is easy, but because the pace is usually steady. This past Winter arrived with a momentum of haste that whipped the body of my life into moving quickly; I was constantly trying to catch my breath. I even considered going back to running as part of my physical exercise, just to release the excessive steam. If you know me, you know that I have absolutely no desire to physically run anymore. Yes I love exercising and do it regularly, but don’t ask me to run. This surge of energy, however, made me consider it. Evidence that I was going slightly insane.
Kunini ngithi “YOH!”
“Hayibo!”
“Wow!”
And generally just laughing in defeat as an alternative to crying. Even if I wanted to cry, I couldn’t – I was too busy running.
What a wild wild Winter
From the conversations I have had with others and my observation of us as a collective, I know that many of us were under this extreme pressure to reach certain parts of ourselves these past couple of months. Yes yes, I know that pressure is always at bay, but there was a significant escalation of this energy. I am speaking in the past tense hoping that like me, you are now slowly calming down. You should be. I think we can take it a bit easier now.
In the gradual return to my axis, I have received waves of insights and revelations explaining what all of that haste was doing for me. Most of it I already knew then, but hindsight has brought more clarity and (much needed) counselling. I knew that I was in a purposeful race towards more of myself, but I was puzzled at how I seemed to be moving away from the territories that sustain me. I would often ask myself: Entlek where am I? I would reprimand myself: Girl, this is not sustainable! I look back now having made it through and see that I was never alone – I never am. That’s why I could do what I truly believe should have been impossible, not to mention bad for my health. At the end of most days I wondered how I even managed to get certain tasks done.
Now that I am settling into calmer waters and a smoother terrain, I feel content (and sane again), exploring what my soul transformed into through the wilderness I was in. While the pressure continues to release me, I am meeting this newer woman that is me, and views of what I was sowing and reaping are coming to light. How could I have been sowing and reaping at the same time? Eyi man, like I said, I was just pulling off things that should have been impossible.
Are we ever really lost?
All of this has got me thinking about something that my mind has dabbled in before:
Are we ever really lost, or do we just end up on intentional paths that make us experience unfamiliar parts of ourselves?
What does it really mean to be lost? What are God and our Ancestors seeing about us in those ‘lost’ moments, that we are not seeing about ourselves?
That relief we feel when we reach a calmer state is often deemed to be recovery from an ill fate. I have not been holding my relief as recovery because I know that I wasn’t ill or lost – even in my maniac state. To me, the relief has been an announcement that I have made it to the other side, and I can put down the weight that I had to lift up. I’m more certain of this because in all of that wilderness, I could see the new ground that I was breaking within myself.
The unfamiliar territory
In my healing practice, I often interact with people who feel like they are lost. While they claim the state of being lost, I am offered a view of where they are and why it is their journey to take. To me, they are not lost, but because they cannot see where they are, all they can do is claim to be lost.
Are we ever really lost if we are always seen by the ones who walk with us and watch over us? Surely it is only a moment of unfamiliarity.
We are more prone to feeling and thinking that we are lost when we are without community. We need other people’s views of us so that we can see ourselves, especially when we are going through foreign territories of our being. Even when someone else’s view of you may, according to you, be wrong or unfair, it catalyses self-interrogation, which may be the internal shuffling and dialogue that you need to observe and grasp yourself.
A common error is trying to return to what you know as your norm after making it out of a turbulent path, oblivious to how much the path changed you because it was supposed to. You think that returning to the norm is your salvation and grace, but you have actually entered a new dimension of yourself, and the path ahead asks for the very change that you may be trying to slip out of in the name of recovery.
You were not lost or ill, you were becoming someone unfamiliar. Learn about this person, that’s who you are to be in the new realm you are now in.
Experiencing your strength
It looked like I was losing myself as I ran this marathon that swept me off my ground. That could have been my story if I didn’t know any better. I was struggling to reach stillness in my meditations. My mind was constantly looking at the next thing to do. I was barely sleeping, and definitely not dreaming as usual. I couldn’t journal or do any other activity of reflection. I was often tired while still working excessively. I was a maniac.
Funny enough though, while I was fully aware and slightly concerned that I couldn’t access my usual safe places, I had no doubt that all of this was supposed to be happening, and that it was a response from my life’s body to all of the wild dreams I have expressed in prayer. I had to put aside what I know to be my sanity and norm, and remember the strength and loyalty of my lineage, to open doors that my wishes have been knocking on. I was a slave to my unwavering belief, inspired by everything that God and my guides have shown me about myself. More than anything, I was proving their points to myself and being the very story that they have always held about me and encourage me to live.
You have to go through paths that will cause you to experience your strength.
In Ubungoma we sometimes say:“iDlozi liyagijima” – if you’ve witnessed the unorthodox antics that one does when a spirit has awakened in them, you’ll know that spirit can express itself at a frequency of what – the – fuck – do – you – mean -?! Spirit can be insane, moving you to the edge of your life’s cliff and commanding you to fly when you are not even sure that you have wings. It will call you to make your dreams bow down to you as their master – to be like God. You have to go through paths that will cause you to experience your strength.
The hidden gifts of chaos
Through all of this madness, I realised just how much I believe in myself and just how far I will go for the glory of God that is always promised to me. More importantly, I experienced the other landscapes of my strength. Do you know what the bigger gift is about going through such wilderness? It turns you into a massive wave of energy that uplifts your lineage – of the past and future – into further ascension. Part of how you retain the souls of your lineage and keep them in the Creator’s light is through your ambitious desire for self- fulfillment. Clock that!
For as long as you have dreams and ambition, your Ancestors are inspired to stay strong and alive. Your passion commands their wellness.
Harmony
It was only a few days ago that I started to slow down. I distinctly remember feeling like I had nothing more to give. I was emptied out and could feel that I was approaching burnout. That, to me, was communication that the demanding energy and spirits that had been holding me up were calling me to now rest, and prepare to experience the sweet juices of my/our labour’s fruits. I met this call with the decision to wind down and let go, trusting that I had gone as far as I needed to for God to GOD. When I made this decision, I took an afternoon nap for the first time in a while and later woke up feeling renewed. The weight of my desires wasn’t sitting as heavily on my back anymore, instead I was ballooned with fulfillment. I was definitely done.
My masculinity had been dominant in my running season while my femininity supported it with faithful submission. This parenting had been working in harmony even when I didn’t always feel like that kind of peace.
I wasn’t lost, everything was working for me.
We often think we are lost because we don’t know how to connect with what we don’t know, let alone trust it. It’s hard to believe that what we don’t know yet already knows us, and even harder to determine when it is safe to go into the foreign territories that may call us. This, for me, emphasises how important it is to know who you walk with and pray to, and to constantly connect with that support. No matter how spiritually awakened you think you are, there are things that you can’t see or assess on your own – even about yourself.
If you have been running, I hope that you can start gathering yourself and carefully observe what you became in your race. We are in a new season now (and those of us who align with the African calendar are also in a new year). Go easier on yourself and trust that you stretched as far as you needed to. Like creation, you too should be a new season.
You can only experience your fruits when you trust what you have done. The building never stops – creating never stops – but you should have moments to halt and experience what you made. Experience the fulfillment from within first, to inspire and recognise the manifestation of its physical form. Emphasis on being able to recognise it – don’t be too sure that you know what it’s all supposed to look like. The fruits will be better known from within. So again, halt and experience what you now are and what you now have from within, first.
This is the part where you believe.
You know what you did,
life has been breathing your efforts in.
Now give it room to exhale all of that back to you.
Happy New Season!
Thokozani.
Subscribe to our newsletter to receive early and direct notifications when our latest posts go up.
For details on our offerings and reaching out to us, see the CONTACT PAGE.